Friday Funny – Aging Curmudgeon Edition

  1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
  2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
  3. How to prepare Tofu:
    1. Throw it in the trash
    2. Grill some meat
  4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
  6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
  10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
  11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
  12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
  13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
  14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
  15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.

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