Tag Archives: aging

Health Humor

The couple were 85 years old, and had been married for sixty years. Though not young, they were both in very good health, largely due to the wife’s insistence on healthy foods and exercise for the last decade.

One day, their good health didn’t help when they went on a rare vacation and their plane crashed, sending them off to Heaven.

They reached the pearly gates, and St. Peter escorted them inside. He took them to a beautiful mansion, furnished in gold and fine silks, with a fully stocked kitchen and a waterfall in the master bath. They gasped in astonishment when he said, ‘Welcome to Heaven. This will be your home now.’

The old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. ‘Why, nothing,’ Peter replied, ‘remember, this is your reward in Heaven.’

The old man looked out the window and right there he saw a championship golf course, finer and more beautiful than any ever built on Earth. ‘What are the greens fees?’ grumbled the old man.

‘This is heaven ,’ St. Peter replied. ‘You can play for free, every day.’

Next they went to the clubhouse and saw the lavish buffet lunch, with every imaginable cuisine laid out before them, from seafood to steaks to exotic deserts, free flowing beverages.

‘Don’t even ask,’ said St. Peter to the man, ‘this is Heaven, it is all free for you to enjoy.’

The old man looked around and glanced nervously at his wife.

‘Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol foods, and the decaffeinated tea?,’ he asked..

‘That’s the best part,’ St. Peter replied, ‘you can eat and drink as much as you like of whatever you like, and you will never get fat or sick. This is Heaven!’

The old man pushed, ‘No gym to work out at?’

‘Not unless you want to,’ was the answer.

‘No testing my sugar or blood pressure or…’

‘Never again. All you do here is enjoy yourself.’

The old man glared at his wife and said, ‘You and your freekin’ bran muffins. We could have been here ten years ago!’

Friday Funny – Aging Curmudgeon Edition

  1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
  2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
  3. How to prepare Tofu:
    1. Throw it in the trash
    2. Grill some meat
  4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
  6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
  10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
  11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
  12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
  13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
  14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
  15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.