Tag Archives: funny

Friday Funny

An old man is met by his attorney, and is told he is going to be audited. He rides to the IRS office with his attorney, and when he gets there, he begins to talk with the IRS agent. “I bet $2,000 I can bite my own eye!”

The IRS agent agrees to the bet, believing it an impossible task. The old man laughs, pulls out his glass eye, and bites it. The IRS agent is dumbfounded.

The old man bets $3,000 he can bite his other eye. The IRS agent knows there’s no way possible to do this, so he once more agrees. The old man cackles, pulls out his dentures, and bites his eye.

Then the old man finally wagers, “I bet $20,000 I can stand on the far side of your desk, pee over the desk, and get it into your wastebasket, without missing a single drop.” The agent knows he won’t be able to, so once more he agrees. The old man indeed misses, peeing all over the desk, and on the paperwork.

The IRS agent jumps for joy, but then notices the attorney over in the corner moaning. “Are you all right?” asks the agent. “No! On the way over here, he bet me $400,000 he could pee on your desk and you’d be happy about it!”

Friday Funny – Aging Curmudgeon Edition

  1. My goal for 2016 was to lose just 10 pounds. Only 15 to go.
  2. Ate salad for dinner. Mostly croutons & tomatoes. Really just one big round crouton covered with tomato sauce. And cheese. FINE, it was a pizza. I ate a pizza.
  3. How to prepare Tofu:
    1. Throw it in the trash
    2. Grill some meat
  4. I just did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.
  5. I don’t mean to brag, but I finished my 14-day diet food in 3 hours and 20 minutes.
  6. A recent study has found women who carry a little extra weight live longer than men who mention it.
  7. Kids today don’t know how easy they have it. When I was young, I had to walk 9 feet through shag carpet to change the TV channel.
  8. Senility has been a smooth transition for me.
  9. Remember back when we were kids and every time it was below zero out they closed school? Me neither.
  10. I may not be that funny or athletic or good looking or smart or talented. I forgot where I was going with this.
  11. I love being over 70. I learn something new every day and forget 5 others.
  12. A thief broke into my house last night. He started searching for money so I woke up and searched with him.
  13. I think I’ll just put an “Out of Order” sticker on my forehead and call it a day.
  14. November 6, 2016 will be the end of Daylight Savings Time. Hope you don’t forget to set your bathroom scale back 10 pounds on Saturday night.
  15. Just remember, once you’re over the hill you begin to pick up speed.